Merry Christmas!

It's holiday time again and all I've been doing is playing guitar and writing! Wrote two short stories in the past 24 hours and play guitar for 5 of those hours! Other than that, I've been sitting at home or at work and spending Christmas Eve with my dog. 

It's my mom's birthday so the fam went out to the next town cause my cousins wanted to cook or something and left me to mope and feel sorry for myself, but at least I got a little writing done. But it does get lonely sitting around with my little hairball for company, she's actually just taking an extended nap tonight... that's what I get for not having a boyfriend to spend Christmas Eve with. 

With everything that's happened recently, it just doesn't feel like the holidays anymore. 

Smile, You're Beautiful!

Wow things have been crazy lately! Everything from funerals, to boys, to writing, to just plain ol' craziness! "Smile, You're Beautiful" is my latest catchphrase though!

Why? Because I'm getting pretty sick of being "perfect" and "pretty" all the time! I remember I was talking about that sorta stuff with one of my guy friends, who does admit that he's a bit on the chubby side. We made a little deal that if I would send him a picture of myself with no makeup, he would send me a picture of him before he fixed his poofy hair. Well the next morning I did send him that picture, the conclusion, an eye opener that we both do need a bit of a confidence boost.

I do know that I usually come across as bold, confident, and just a little crazy. I've always said I'm comfortable with myself, but then again, "myself" has makeup on, hair styled with a 450 degree iron almost every day, and a constant habit of keeping a tally of everything I eat. "Myself" is also considered quite beautiful (not to be conceited, but me with makeup is pretty good looking) However the me with no makeup, not so much... so many flaws and imperfections. Yeah that's where the all too cliche "Everyone is beautiful" part comes in, but what you don't know is that I can be a total bitch sometimes. Makeup feels more of a symbolic type thing when I think about that. I put on makeup and turn into this sweet charming girl that guys' mother's fall in love with.

Reality check time: I'm not ugly, but looking at myself, I'm probably prettier on the outside when I have makeup than on the inside. Is it so wrong for me to be so comfortable as myself and not the sweet little spazz everyone knows me to be? Is it wrong for me to just have a mental health day and cry? Oh wait, that would mess up the makeup.

Either way, point is guys AND girls, you're beautiful, but you gotta let both sides shine through. Trust me, no one's perfect, no matter how perfect they appear to be.

I remember saying something to that guy friend of mine one day. He asked me why I always wear makeup even though he thinks I don't look too bad without it. My response:" Well when you're skinny like me, it doesn't matter how pretty my face is or how nice I am. What people pay attention to is how Barbie dolled up I am. Skinny= must have makeup to be "pretty" not to mention having to dress better than jeans and a t-shirt to make any sort of impression of being "pretty" if I weighed another 50 lbs, I could be judged for me and my face, not my tiny waist and the amount of mirror time I spent"

Prayers Needed!

I know I don't have many readers, but whoever does read my blog, my friend Jorge got hit by a car this morning. He's in critical condition and it doesn't look likely that he'll live, but miracles happen! I just ask that you pray for him and speak life over him. This is mindblowing crazy for me; to have to face the fact that a friend of mine could easily be snatched away from me... Sure we weren't the closest people ever, but we have plenty of fun memories!

SUCCESS!

On November 28th, I finished my NaNoWriMo novel! Since then I've rewritten my college essays and just didn't have enough time for the big announcement. As of right now, that's about all I have time to type...

Love Letters

So I'm on a roll when it comes to my NaNoWriMo right now and all right? The story is moving faster than it's slower than a snail pace and it's looking better. Until today when the urge to drop everything and write songs just hit me. There's nothing I want more right now than to write songs! However I won't because the second I start writing songs, I'll probably never go back to my beloved novel, which is only 3000 words short of the finish line right now. 3000 words can be a days work for me if I didn't get distracted so easily!

So out of boredom today I started to listen to the new Taylor Swift album, then I went to find out where the stories behind those songs came from, just because I'm nerd like that. I learned it was about all those times she wished she said things but never did. That reminded me of my own life, all those moments that I should've said something but never did. Those girls I should've told were beautiful, those times I should've been nicer, those boys that I just let go. I thought of careless mistakes that led to my life being harder, those stupid things that break the trusts of others, those hurting people I could've smiled at instead of letting my own issues control me, and all those times I let my feelings get ahead of my brain.

I'd be lying if I said I had ever had my heartbroken of if I said that I don't have a  boyfriend because I've been hurt. But I've let so many good guys just go for what seems like stupid reasons now. It's my senior year, and I've hit everything on my bucket list except high school sweetheart. I've had chances that I let pass by and so many things have passed through my mind that I should've said. That makes me want to write a song about it, which again brings me back to my original problem. I've made the mistake of not letting anyone in, but then when I realize it, let in someone who doesn't want to be let in.

Then there are the guys that just can't see me for me. They either see me as beautiful and amazing, which I know I'm not. They just don't see how broken and messed up I truly am on the inside, and it kills me that I can't make myself tell them flat out that I'm not that girl they're looking for. Just the thought of their hearts being broken by me is horrible. It's not that I don't like them, it's that I'm messed up and they'll only see me through rose tinted glasses. I just wish they would see me as I am, and then once they do, I'll see if they truly do love me. As for now, I'll just keep dreaming. My personality is a bit too complex and changes a ton to the point I confuse myself for any guy to love me for all that I am.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The holidays are here and even though it's break, I feel like I'm getting even busier! Being at school/rehearsal for 16 hours a day with no internet really kills how often I get to post, but those crazy three weeks are over! I do miss them a ton though, now I just don't know what to do with my time when I get home.
When it comes to writing lately, I'm so close to the finish line, but my story isn't done. My story is moving way too slow, which is killing my average word count lately. It's like when I have all this free time, I get distracted so easily. There are my two guitars, both of them now sitting in the corner in front of me. Well technically only one is tempting because I haven't moved the amp upstairs yet, nor do I plan to anytime soon seeing it's HUGE.
The holidays for me are a time of relaxing stress, lots of craziness, too much food, and not enough working out. I've been trying to make plans to go to a yoga session for a while, but that's not really happening anytime soon. At least I got to go to the spa last night.
RIght now my current writing dilemma  is that my characters aren't staying true to the original plan. There's no contradiction or anything, but originally Roxanne was supposed to be the down to earth one and Lyra was supposed to be going wild. Turns out that right now Roxanne is out clubbing with a new boyfriend and Lyra is at home obediently going to rehearsals. However, Lyra should be the wild one because she still needs to die a certain way for the right ending to happen. Looks like there will be lots and lots of editing going on in the coming months.

Discipline

I've got a lot to learn about discipline. I always procrastinate in the morning and I've been lagging in my writing a lot lately. It's been a day with next to nothing than almost making up for it the next day. These flatliner days aren't good at all. 

I've got to learn to be able to sit there and write for hours on end to make my daily quota, and that's one of the reasons why NaNoWriMo is becoming so healthy for me. 

Another way I'm working on discipline myself is today I sat at home and unchecked every bad band off my iPhone sync list, just to see how long I can survive with just Jesus music. My goal is to break my dependency on reacting emotionally to music but blocking out all the negative until the end of the month on my phone. I sure can't control the music in the places I go, but I can at least take this tiny step. 

Maybe I can get myself back to reading my Bible for longer the morning instead of rushing off each and every day. 

Do Writing Frustrations Ever End?!

Ever thought about the creative process? Sure there's the usual think up a story, make a character, then name it. What if we tried that backwards? I don't know if I'm the only crazy one that does that, but sometimes creatively it's what I find to be the best.

I'm going into Nanowrimo with just about no ideas or inspirations. So what do I do? I pick my title. "To Write A Love Song" The title itself opens up so much to the piece. As in the blog a couple days ago, the lyricist that writes the song gives so many questions alone! Who are they writing for? What's the relation? Why write it now? Why write it at all? Why for that person? What happened ten minutes ago? What happened to that person? What does that person mean to the lyricist? Why does the lyricist feel that way about that person? What happened to cause that feeling? How did they meet? What impact on each other's lives did they have? Was it a spouse? A sibling? A best friend? A complete stranger that said a kind word on the subway?
So many possibilities, so little time!

Another thing I do is I just let my mind wander and bring me back a scene. The scene starts off blurry and generic, then the more I focus, the more details I see. Like for example earlier I dreamed up a picture of a girl in a graveyard.

My train of thought went as: I can only see her back, but I know she's pretty. Long blond hair hangs down her back. It's raining, but it's not gloomy, so it must be late spring or early summer. She's wearing a baby blue dress, cotton and light. There's a light gray cardigan on her too. Her skin is pale, she's sick. It's terminal. There's a weeping willow tree in the background. She's got yellow roses on a white marble gravestone... Her hand are slim, soft too. She's thin, naturally dainty, but it's because of her sickness. The grave is her grandfather's. She's not crying, but she's sad. She's singing softly, a light melodic voice, but she's not confident...

And the list goes on and on. I just keep at it, trying to see more of the scene as I develop the story behind it all. For example, once I figure out who's grave it is, I would speculate on how they died. I would go find the inner struggles of the character. Usually when I just envision stuff I don't think about things. Like the girl was wearing blue, it wasn't after the fact that I realized it wasn't the funeral she was at, because she wasn't wearing black. It must mean something that the sun was shining even though there was rain. The fact that I saw a weeping willow must mean that a weeping willow will have to play a big part somewhere else. I always try to use themes and motifs in everything. Let no potential symbol lose it's meaning!

Point of this long useless ramble? Let the character and plot develop! Fall in love with your writing, but don't put it in concrete. Sometimes something you write will lead to changes, go with them! Go with them especially if you're Nanoing!

Well that's my writing ramble of the day, expect my focus to be a lot on writing for a little bit!

More writing nerdiness

I've just started forcing myself to grasp the concept I don't need a huge cast of characters for a good story. Sure some novels like the Harry Potter series have like a billion characters, but it's not a requirement for a good novel. Usually my outlines have pages and pages of detailed character charts, which do take me forever and a lot of characters with super long bios isn't the easiest thing to keep track of.

I've got to learn to simplify my minor characters as well. Three page bios can be fun to write, but really, two out of three pages will not have any influence at all, at least when it comes to minor characters. The major characters tend to have much longer write ups. I guess character write ups will be something I won't be doing for Nanowrimo, just because I'll get attached. In the case of Nano, attachment can make or break a writer. Getting too attached would hinder the creative flow just writing for the sake of writing. It would lead to my OCD perfectionism making the writing go so much slower than it should. However, not being attached enough can be worse. Who wants to write what they don't love? Sure with Nano the style won't be perfect, but the thoughts should continue flowing. The love for the story should stay strong so the end is as strong as the start.

The number of characters don't even need to be as huge as my usual casts of characters. Great stories can be small with the characters so intimate that the whole story can revolve around them. Stories such as "'Night Mother" a play I'm teching for only have two characters; a mother and daughter. An entire play can be written about the two. If only I could let my OCD go for just long enough to write something so concise but deep.

My writing has a lot of focus on inner struggles and depth, I try to find flaws in my characters and keep them in character. I give them pain and hurt along with the joys and the passions. I tend to feel like I overcomplicate things and try to put too much into the plot. I also do try to write very well when I can, with the right skill and articulation.

To me, writing isn't just about the story. It's also about engaging the reader with interesting words and the word play. It's about getting the reader to connect and to think, but also to visualize the beauty or tragedy of the pain they go through. My wording can get very boring and somewhat repetitive if I'm trying to write fast, I'll find a couple "creative" ways of describing things, but they're not very creative at the end because of how much I used them. "Emerald green eyes", "Hair of amber", and "Enchanting bell-like laughter" are only interesting the first few times. Well that's just another thing I need to work on. It doesn't matter how good I get, I'll always find room for improvement because I don't feel like writing is an art of perfection, but more of an art of imperfection and individuality.

Back Into The Swing of Things

Well I guess it's time I start getting back into the swing of things with my passions. I love my art, I love my writing, and both are going to help me in my future. I want to go into movie production and pre/post-production management someday. I've got to get my filming, editing, and writing skills to skyrocket in the next couple months.

The next month is looking to be pretty crazy for me! There are going to be two productions I'm teching in instead of the usual single production! That also means rehearsal times start sooner and last longer. On top of that Nanowrimo time is here again! Yep, I'm going to be writing an at least 50,000 word novel in 30 days! The goal is to be spontaneous and make things up as I go, which has never been something I've been good at. My OCD about my writing pieces lead to me overthinking things, jumping too far ahead, and getting to attached that I start refusing to make changes that need to be made. This project WILL be healthy for me, of course provided I live through this crazy month! Also show choir starts at the same time, and I need to start getting ready for the holidays.

It just hasn't clicked with me that this is my last year performing with the great group I've been singing, dancing, teching, and working with for the past four years or so. I did decide to go with independent study since it would technically be more useful to my future. As for colleges, they're getting applied to, which adds another thing to my list of to dos in November since a lot of deadlines are on the 15th.

As for Nano, I've got so many ideas it's just a big mess, but it's a hot mess. I've got characters that I've randomly thought up but never found a place to use. I've got a random scenarios that I think could create beautiful scenes, but no where to start.  Not too long ago I entered a 25 word story contest and I had to think of a title that added more depth to it. Off the fly, the first thought I had was to call it "To Write A Love Song" which I think is a beautiful title that can mean so many things. What's in a love song? Who's it written for? Who wrote it? What led the author to write it? Is it a happy or a sad love song? What kind of love is it? What happened between the author and the one it is written for? So many questions can be answered. I want to use the title for my Nano, but those questions can be answered so many ways. Can a love song be forced out of a teenaged girl's heart? Will it be something and old man left for his grandson to find years after his death? Did an army wife write it at her husbands funeral? So many possibilities spin through my head every time I think about it!

Well I guess all I can do till Nov 1st is to get some music going and mull it over a bit.

Another hard one...

Well it seems like life is enjoying throwing difficult choices at me... the latest dilemma: An independent study offer. It's everything I could want in high school, an entire class period in the sci-vis lab with just about total freedom! I'll get to work on my own projects, mess with the software, even work on some video editing and self teach myself! There's just one catch, I'd have to give up chorus.
Chorus is something that's just been part of my daily life for the past few years. My director is a household names with all the chorus room stories, I've got my piles of chorusy and musical paraphernalia all over the place and piles of sheet music littering my desk. Next semester would be my last show, my senior show. Of course I'll still have after school show choir and my senior showcase song, but I won't be doing any of the pieces and have the glory of being up front with all the seniors anymore. Just the thought of that makes me want to cry.
But on the other hand, that independent study is something I've dreamed of. Do I want this upcoming show to be my last show and go after Sci-vis, which might actually pertain to my major, or do I stick with the passion that I've loved, lived, and breathed for the past almost 4 years? Choices like these aren't made with ease. I know there are others that would kill for the independent study, but I'd kill for some spotlight.
Talent wise, I know I'm talented with graphics and design and all that artsy stuff. I know I'm good with the software I've learned, but I'm also afraid of the unknown, the software I've never used before. What if the regular students that will be in the room can show me up on something? What happens if I'm not the one answering questions to the amateurs, but instead asking them? What if I'm not top dog anymore? Those questions scare me as much as facing the reality that I'll have to have a last show with my beloved choir, maybe even more.

Watch out World

I'm sure you've heard the saying "No pain no gain" Well it's pretty true in some situations. Having a mental breakdown helped me more than I can imagine, I can now function and get work done without random freak outs and panic attacks!
Also, I've refined my writing a bit. Nothing posted lately and my little group of writing nerd friends have been raggin' on me for a bit about that. However, I did write a very ummm "different" metaphysical poem a few days ago. Metaphysical poems abstractly compare love to something a bit more atypical than the average love poem. Instead of the average lovely dovey poem comparing how much I love someone to something like a tree or a computer, mine was titled "On the Stupidity of Teenaged Infatuation" You can bet no one else wrote about that. Teenagers are so stupid, and I know I am one, but I do acknowledge that we're all stupid to a point. As for more writing, I'm fresh out of ideas... and I have a sonnet due in two days... I just need something even more unusual than the metaphysical, gotta keep that rep up right?
The metaphysical will be posted as soon as I get it back :)

"I'm so sick...

...infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness"
 Lately, life has been super dramatic, in both good and bad. One of my best friends has recently turned against me, and there are some sweet guys out there that like me.
It wouldn't be fair to them if they were going out with me. They use words like "beautiful" and "amazing" to describe me. Just reading that on a text message makes me want to cry. I'm not that beautiful and amazing. I don't need a guy to tell me I'm beautiful a million times a day, because I know I'll never be as beautiful as they see me, at least not anymore. Maybe once upon a time I could've been, but that girl is buried too deep inside me now. I'd rather have a guy tell me he loves me for my imperfection than how "amazing" I am.
I'd be a sucky girlfriend anyways. I'm always so busy with all my clubs and jobs and stuff. I'd be torture to keep track of, not to mention the guys that just don't give up. I'm crazy and psychotic and selfish and just not the kind of person worth loving right now. I'm working on changing, I oh so badly want to change all that. One day, I want to be that girl that everyone thinks I am. I want the pain and lonely sadness out of my life. It's so hard to fight, but so possible. It's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can see it, just not the path there.
I just know that with Jesus, I'll get to where I want to be, I'm just not there yet. There's no telling how long it's going to take to be where I want to be as a person. I just know that God has a plan and purpose for me, even during days like this when I feel so down that I shouldn't deserve a plan and purpose at all.

To Be Called Beautiful

It's been a long time since I've posted yet again. Lately I've been struggling to write. I want to write so badly, but I just can't. I can't get a clear thought, a clear focus, or anything at all. I can't write stories, songs, or even a regular blog post! Maybe it's the stress, maybe it's just life.
Right now on my mind is beauty. I feel like the prettier I'm getting on the outside, the worse I feel about myself.
I was a quiet kid with very few friends as I grew up. I'm still a bit socially awkward on the making friends level even if I'm a good spokesmodel. I used to be so level headed and smart and I knew what I was doing. Now I still jump for opportunities to do something, but it doesn't feel the same. I'm not as smart or talented as some of my friends and I wasted so much time switching what I want to pursue in life.
There's so much raw emotion swimming in my head that can turn into beautiful music, but there's so much I can't figure out where to start. I feel lost, desperate, and just sick of myself.
It's like having this perfect image, having what everyone wants. I've got good positions in so many clubs. I'm seen as amazing by my advisors and teachers. People consider me to be that person that's always happy and smiley and makes people feel so good about themselves. Boys think I'm beautiful and wonderful and a perfect little angel. But all that doesn't even matter when I know I'm not that perfect person. I'm not perfect, I never will be. I'm just forgiven. I come across as outgoing and friendly and I do love people, but I'm actually shy and I don't mind keeping to myself. I'm not dumb, but I'm not a genius either. I can't say I outright hate myself, but I can't say I'm that crazy about me either. I guess I'm just contentish.
During my underclassmen years, I was so unhappy with myself, I took rather drastic measures. I really hated who I was a majority of the time. Crude comments were thrown at me left and right and I had to live with the verbal abuse of my peers for years.  I wanted change, and I made it happen. If I changed so much, why aren't I happy yet? I loved myself for a while, now I can't stand what I've become. I only get a dark shadow of my younger years, but I've created a monster of myself.
I'm not at the top of my game, but I'm getting better. Someday I'll be happier. I'll be who I want to be with time. I'm just too old go to finding myself now...

A day in the life of Bev Tan...

Here's a list of funny recent quotes:

Tommy: Did you really do the announcements today?"
Me: Yeah...
Tommy: You sounded really white...
Me: IT'S NOT MY FAULT I FAIL AS AN ASIAN!

Aric: You sound like a stoner today!
Me: I'm not a stoner! I'm a ROCKer!
Aric: Get off the drugs
Note: I am not on anything more than painkillers, caffeine, and sometimes sedatives...

Me: My goal as a writer is to make my readers cry, if no one cries, I consider it a failure.
Karla: Your writing makes me wanna cry! You're such a sadist!
Me: I'm not a sadist, I'm at tragedy writer! I swear there's a difference!

Me: Sushi time!
Andrew: FISH MURDERER! Eat more chickin!
Me: POULTRY KILLER!

Caroline: Didn't getting a job teach you the value of a dollar?
Me: Yeah! I learned that a dollar isn't worth as much as I thought it was!

Me: Today my dad and my sister dragged me to dollar general... I saw some socks... they were fuzzy so I was like "I want some socks..." so now I have a a pair of purple striped SUPER FUZZY SOCKS!
Aric: super cool

Me: Duh I got it, I'm not that bland!
Will: You spelled "Blonde" wrong you blonde!
Me: No I actually meant to say bland... as in boring...

Me: Yeah, my webcam freaks me out too, especially since I know people that have gone through other files on my computer before... *cough* Will *cough It makes me wonder if I'm being watched... like the Truman show!
Alexis: Andrew, you're brother is a creeper! But he needs to teach me how to hack!
Andrew: Huh?

And now... time for some sleep... I didn't take a nap today... or yesterday...

Yay!

Well long time no write! The reason for that: my Macbook died... after dipping into my savings account, I am now typing this from my shiny new Macbook Pro! This is so my latest baby!
As for life, well it's stressful! Stress this, stress that, being a senior is so worth it though! Most exciting part of my day: finding out I get MY OWN MUSIC FOLDER! And not only that but... I GET REAL MUSIC! That's sadly some of the best news I can ever hear right now!
No rants today or anything, it's just such a boring ordinary day!
Today I sang "100 Years" for Five For Fighting, amazing song that makes me realize the importance of every day! It also makes me want to live life to the fullest. Isn't it great that there's some good in the music industry? It's rare, but it's a meaningful song! That makes me happy too!
Hmm... I'm running out of topics to write about lately... and I'm mourning the death of my first Macbook, which took with it to the grave, all the information I had on it. For you computer nerds, I killed the logic board and also the OSX won't mount.

Dreamin'

So many of us dream big. Then we wonder if we'll ever achieve those dreams. Today I was listening to the song "I Have A Dream" by Group 1 Crew. Why is it that sometimes the ones with the wildest dreams are the ones that can make their dreams come true? Is it because all of us other people take things for granted so much? 

I've had a lot or opportunities that others would kill for. I let them pass me by because they're not my dreams, but could very easily be. I used to dream of being a champion equestrian. I used to dream of being a world renown zoologist, now, I don't even have a one single dream for my life. I guess I can say my dream occupation is "Mother" I just want to be married by 23, have a big family, be a stay at home mom/free lance author or work at home with productions. But on the other hand, I can see myself as single and at the top of the career ladder, CEO or head of marketing for some major company. Big dreams, but I'm determined to reach something. God has a plan and a purpose for ALL of us. That includes me and YOU my amazing reader if anyone actually reads this. I just want you to know, you're dreams are reachable, well as long as it's not something like growing wings and flying... but you know what I mean! Dare to dream big. Dare to believe. 

Good comes to those who dare, dreams will be reached, passions will be found, and life will be lived, but you have to DARE to make it all happen. 

"Just a day, just an ordinary day"

It is so ordinary today. That make me wonder why I haven't made it EXTRAordinary yet. I've spent a majority of the day sleeping in for once, which makes me think "Well there goes another day without me at least trying to make a difference in the world" I've only got a certain amount of days to live, why waste it?
This makes me think of the song "Hero" by Superchick. How many people have I passed by this week that I could've said something nice to? How many chances did I have to give someone a smile or a compliment?
I know this sounds so hypocritical coming for me. I'm not the nicest person most of the time, I've got a good bit of mean in me, but I still wish that the world was nicer to each other. I've got a lot of work to do, but so do a lot of people. All I can do is try. Today my goal is to make someone happy. It's been a rough day so far, and I haven't exactly been the nicest person because of some drama, but I'm going to pray that I have the heart to be nice today. You never know where the little things can go...

Why?

Lately, I've been wondering "Why" to a lot of things. Why do we waste time in front of the TV? Why do we like what we like? Why does the sun shine? Why do people like being negative so much? Why are we so pressured into conforming at all times? Why don't we have the boldness to stand out? Why? Why? Why?
Well, the simplest answer to these things that I've gotten is "Because that's how life works." Has anyone thought deeper than that? Well "Why do people act so negative" has it's more specific reasons such as insecurity, history, and things like that. Totally understandable. Now what I don't understand is why people just have to dwell in it. Life is full of pain, but also full of laughter and smiles and hope. Of course someone could just as easily say "Well why are you being an optimist? Life isn't always happy!" My response to that: "Why not? Why CHOOSE to live life like it's all dreary and sad?" What's the point of life if you live in misery? That's just one thing I'll never know I guess.

To Save a Life

It's been a long time since I blogged... but I've got a newfound inspiration to for some unknown reason. I've been sitting in front of a blank screen every day for the past week just trying to figure out what to write. Life's simple and kinda boring.
Today I went to the dentist, wasn't exactly feeling on top of the world, went there with no makeup on and in sweats and crocs. Since my dentist is right next to Lowe's Food, I stopped by redbox. A few weeks ago I saw the trailer for a movie called "To Save a Life" It wasn't a big name movie, and it was made for the small screen, but it was better made than the average Lifetime movie. Nothing reallly amazing, nothing really bad, nothing that stood out. The plot was predictable and the characters were a bit cliche, but the message was amazing. As simple as the movie was, it geared inspriation in me.
I've also been reading up on a little website called "gives me hope", it's full of inspiring stories that make me want to be a better person, and make me want to just love on others.
I spent the past few years living in pure ambition, everything about me and my future and everything I could do. Of course that doesn't mean I'm going to slack off and I still definately want to win at everything, but how many people have I passed that I could've helped? How many lives could I have changed? Could I have traded an ounce of glory just to say something nice? I've been a bitter and cold person, locking in my own emotions while locking the emotions of others out. I was cold hearted and insensitive and just wanted things accomplished. Everything was tough love, getting things going so that there would be success in the end, always about the big picture. Well, what about the small details? I had the details of everything planned, but there were bigger details I missed.
I realized, I've got to take a minute to think before I react, and do somethign each day I'm blessed with life to bless someone else's life.

I'm not a sadist, I'm just a tragedy writer

Well that's a new little saying of mine. Don't know where it came from or anything. Basically I first used it when talking to my chica Karla. I was outlining a plot for a new set of characters in my latest writing piece. The piece is follows the stories of three teenaged siblings, Dean, Roxa, and Lyra. Through the story, they experience the darker sides of the entertainment industry, which in a plot I will not reveal, there's death, betrayal, and taking chances. Well while explaining the ending, she jokingly called me a sadist. I replied with "I'm not a sadist, I'm just a tragedy writer that is sick of stories with happy endings, love, every dream coming true, and authors who too much of a pansy to kill off the good guys.
It seems that so many popular books lately have had happy endings, Bella gets her guy and Jacob falls in love in The Twilight Saga, Harry destroyed Voldemort in Harry Potter, good triumphs over evil in every single Redwall book, same goes for Warriors.
My goal as a writer isn't for those feel good happy touchy things. Of course those are good to include, and I do include those, but I don't focus on them. My goal as a writer is to make my readers CRY. And this all applies to my fiction pieces, not my blog. My life isn't that depressing that people should cry over every word of my blog. Either way, there's a need for books that pull at heartstrings, and force tears out of one's eyes, something that emotionally connects and makes the audience feel the tortured soul of the character. The audience should connect to each character on a personal level and then see the fatal flaws leading to the death of that character. That would be a tragedy.
Personally I hate over predictable books (and movies too!) that have one obvious conflict and an ending that anyone could guess. Usually the whole pursuit after a lover ending with a "happily ever after" is pretty much mundane.
The most frustrating thing about this set of characters is how much I could do with them. With their personalities and habits, there are so many times they'd be able to misstep, so many times they'd be able to pull themselves (or each other) out, and so many ways they could die. Then again, there are also so many possibilities of how they could deal with their own grief so differently from each other. The possibilities are endless.
Now, off to finish deciding the details and to start actually writing this thing!

Songs for the moment
1. "If We Ever Meet Again" - Timbaland and Katy Perry- My new iPhone's ringtone because it's such an addicting song haha.
2. "One Day Too Late"- Skillet, The meaning of this song is so powerful "Today I'm try a little harder, gonna make every minute last longer, gonna learn to forgive and forget because we don't long, gonna make the most of it. Today I'm gonna love my enemies, reach out to someone who needs me, make the world a better place because tomorrow could be one day too late"
3. "We Danced Anyways" Deanna Carter- Just such a pretty song!
4. "Would It Matter" - Skillet - right now it's these are the lyrics on my profile picture on Facebook, just because it relates to me so much (another topic for another post) The entire album is really good lyrically and all of it has been a good help to my thoughts.
5. "Safe" - Britt Nicole- It's been stuck in my head since I heard it while watching the movie "Ice Castles"

Innocence

The music has returned! After a month or so of writer's block, I woke up at the crazy hour of 7a.m. DURING SUMMER! That must be pretty big considering I go to bed at around 4 a.m. Well it was perfect, or so I thought. I then picked up my guitar and it came out completely different but even more perfect! 

Where the lyrics came from, I'm not so sure. I've written similar things before, but never really liked it before. 

It's not completely finished on account that it changes just a little bit every time I play it but here's the draft

I'm looking back at memories

Of happy times and the times I've cried

Loves I've lost and chances missed out

Thinking of the million times I've smiled

Oh how I've smiled

Chorus:

I can't help but to grow older

And see the world a different way

Every year feels colder

Don't you know things can't stay the same forever

It's like trying to fight the world

And losing a piece of me

So I'm writing this song

To remember who I could be

When I was young I, 

Saw the sun in everything

Now I can't imagine

How rose tinted lenses must've been

A dozen roses on my doorstep

Used to be the sweetest thing

But now it's just another bitter memory

Chorus and bridge I feel is not close enough to done to share.

Basically it's about childhood innocence being lost. I've seen that happen so many times. I used to be pretty sheltered. Then I entered sophomore year. I grew a lot physically in sophomore year, like at least 3 inches, but true growth came in junior year. I used to be so young and nieve it scares me. I saw the best of the world and now I'm blind ambition and very competition driven. I used to be shy and nice and quiet, like the girl from the song "Girl in 14G" 

The second part of the song (bridge and outro) is more about remembering. Part of it that I plan on keeping is: "Do hold on to this now, though it's just a memory, you can see all I've tried, but never could succeed, just hold this to your heart so you can remember me." 

It reminds me of The Last Lecture. 

Latest songs in my head

1. "Jump and Fall"- Taylor Swift- Learned it on my guitar, no idea why I love it so much

2. "Dancing Queen"- ABBA/Mama Mia

3. "For Those Who Wait"- Fireflight- You didn't think I'd have a list without a good rockin' song right? 

4. "Girl Can Rock"- Hilary Duff- No, I am not kidding

5. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" - Glee

Parties and Fun

Yeah, it's been a while since I wrote. Lately I've been working on my not-so-short story and I spent last night with a belated birthday party.
Funniest moment of the night: Paul walking through my screen door. The door came off and we all laughed at him... I believe he was going after the "Crack rolls" (fried spring rolls)
Fun moments-
- Playing spoons! I dived across a table at one round and the next round both my friend Will and I dived across the table and I slapped him in the face to get a spoon.
-Manhunt- Me being the one person in a white dress trips and slides down the lawn on my side and there's not a speck of dirt on the dress.
-GUITAR, at the end me and Patch sat on my porch and just played guitar and chatted for like an hour or so. And towards the beginning, Paul loved my Jackson, but hated the tuning.
Good clean safe fun, no drugs or alcohol needed!
Now another day of boredom since everyone's out of town now.

Songs today:
1. "If It Means A Lot To You"- A Day To Remember- Just because I played and sang it yesterday and I love it so much.
2. "4 A.M. Forever"- Lost Prophets- Listened to that one while getting ready
3. "California"- Hawk Nelson- Sang that at work every day over and over and over again
4. "Single Ladies" - Beyonce- Just because last night Will synced his iphone to my macbok which was hooked up to Patrick's amp and interrupted Patrick's playing by blasting this song.
5. "Lucy"- Skillet- Amazing song, so sad but so sweet. About life, love, and loss. <3

Fame?

Today I rented the movie Fame. However, the rented disk was damaged at the ending according to my laptop so I haven't seen the ending yet... either way, it was great. I already knew the entertainment business can be rough and dark and everything and what was in that movie was hardly anything, but I still feel teenagers should see that. Sure it's great to believe in dreams and stuff, but it's so hard to achieve them. Working hard and blind ambition and doing what it takes.
What if what it takes isn't what you want to do? What if you were like Jenny and a job meant hooking up with Andy? Would you do it? Would that possibility of fame lead to a compromise like that? Well for Jenny, she still had Marco, even if it was still a tough decision. What if you're like me? Young, ambitious, loving to win, and pretty much a loner? Not saying that I would jump at that chance like any other tramp, but life ain't Hollywood.
Life's gonna be corrupt and dreams will get crushed. It's pretty much to be expected and can't really be prevented. You can't really escape life, just live it. It's about what you do with what you have I guess. If you've got talent, use it and be proud of it. My parents always wanted me to be a great pianist or ballet dancer. At one point I loved it, but at the same time I hated it. When I was 7 I did ballet a lot. I hated it so much but now I regret not staying with it. If only my parents had forced me to keep dancing or keep playing violin or made me start singing earlier in life. I could be great, I had potential and I just didn't grab it when I had the chance.
I'm 17, I've got to work with what I've got. What talent is that? I've switched around and dabbled in everything, but I haven't really found passion yet. I've found things I love, but I don't know if there's anything there that I'm completely in love with. Sure, music and singing and playing guitar are practically my life. I love doing those things as much as I love life, but I don't have the natural talent of the greats. It doesn't just click with me like everyone makes talent out to be like. I thought it clicked at some point. I worked hard and practiced all the time and strived to be the best, but I'm still not the best. I didn't find passion at a young age like who society considers to be the best. So badly do I want to be at the top, I've made the top in lots of things, but are those things my passion?
Skillsusa, tech, filming, more things I love so much. I'm told I've got talent in film, lots of it. But I feel so new to the filming world. I've dabbled but until very recently, I haven't taken it super seriously. Now it's what I want to do with my life. I want to be in film production and management and I might have a passion for it, but it just feels like I'm so new to it. Like I haven't had enough experience or I started way too late. Maybe I've found passion, maybe I haven't. Either way, what have I got to lose?

Top 5 songs right now:
1. "Desperate"- Fireflight- Yep a metal song with a girl. So in love with it.
2. "Out Tonight"- I did just turn 17 and had I night out, listened to this over and over again as I got ready last night.
3. "100 Years"- Five for Fighting- Last day of chorus we sang all our old music from the past 3 years, this was one of them and I've fallen in love with it.
4."Over My Head(Cable Car)" The Fray and covered by A Day to Remember. Can't decide which version I like more. The original version was gorgeous piano rock, but the pounding guitars in the cover are so much fun. I've learned the original version on my acoustic, now to pick up my Jackson for the Drop C cover of it.
5. "Invisible" - Taylor Swift- Just sounds like the kind of thing I should be singing at the moment, well kinda, pretty loosely, but in a way lyrically my life.

Pride

Well it's been a while since I posted... Show season is finally over, probably one of the longest show seasons of my life, but also one of the best I've had! It's also my last day of school, well as a junior anyways, senior year baby! Not really worried about this test either so it's all good.

Today I flipped open to a Bible verse about pride... not the funnest topic for me... I know I probably should focus on it a bit more though. I am well aware that I can be a very self centered and prideful person. Heck, I usually am. I know what I'm good at and I flaunt it. I get cocky easily and blow things off. Major thing I should work on. Not saying that pride is a bad thing, if you've got talent, go for it and use it. You gotta show the world what you've got, but there's a line that shouldn't be crossed. The line of arrogance. Sometimes it does get to my head, knowing I'm good at a lot of what I do and then letting it take over and ending with people hating me. Trust me, I've got plenty of enemies. I really feel like I should start something new with the skills and talents I have, but do it in humility.

My friend Paul gave me some really good scripture a few days ago, in 1st Timothy, Paul called himself the worst of sinners, but he was also the greatest of missionaries. No matter how many times you've failed or how bad you think you are, you're always talented and good at something and you can always work for the glory of the Lord.

As for self centeredness- I'm working on it. I don't throw prima donna fits but I do love to take charge due to my talent. I love the feeling of being top dog. Now I've just got to learn to do so with humility and grace and not with my iron fist and whip. Gotta pray about it.

Sunshine!

Sunshine's a fun topic isn't it? Well I was looking through my lyric book and found a song I wrote a while ago. Like 3 weeks ago. It's a duet that needs a ton of tweaking but I'm ok with it.

It's for a guy and a girl but who sings which part doesn't really matter.

Part 1

Part 2

Both

Staring past the window pane

Watching raindrops drip away

You've gotten so sick and tired

Trampled and battered

Broken down, ready to quit

(Ok, so I don't quite know which part should sing this... or how it fits....)

Know the shadows show

There's sunshine after the rain

through the storm

Light is breaking through the clouds

Sunshine's gonna come

Sunshine's gonna come

Dead of night, all alone

Cold won't stay away

There's a fire

Burning from my soul

My heart is beating

Louder than you're screaming

There's a light at the tunnel's end

It's late and sleep won't come tonight

No not tonight

There's a nightingale singing

Later you'll hear a morning lark

But you're no where to be found

Maybe I'm just not looking hard enough

(interlude or chorus or something goes here)

Now you see there's silver lining

Now I see that there can be

Beauty from the ashes

Don't take the blame

For what has come to pass

You know without you

I would not have last

Life has hurt you so

Painful memories attached to risen scars

Know those shadows only show

The sunshine's gonna come

Sunshine's gonna come (Through the pain and scars)

Shadows only show that sunshine's gonna come

Yeah it's not finished yet, but there's the basis. I feel it's a bit repetitive and doesn't have enough shared parts or really a set chorus. A little bit of tweaking should fix it. Sometimes it's so hard to edit something I've written just because I wrote it that way and might love it. No matter how much I love how I wrote something, sometimes it just needs to change. Change can be something hard to accept, especially if it's something I've poured my heart and soul out on.

Summer Nights

It just hit me that there is less than a month of school left. It's barely dawning on me that I'm going to be a senior so soon. I'll have to make big life changing decisions and honestly, it scares me. It's terrifying, knowing that ones entire future rests in the choices made in one year. I've got senioritis pretty badly already, I've got to work harder to curb it. I feel so old being able to look back at my freshman and sophomore years.

Not only that, but a vast majority of my closest group of friends are graduating. It's hard to believe that I'll be spending lunch up there in the locker bay without some kind or random outburst by one of them. What I'm even more afraid of, is the fact that I'll be alone. If there's anything that bothers me, it's being alone, even if I'm in a crowd of people. I'm naturally a bit of a loner but I like having someone close that I can easily go to when I feel awkward.

On the other side of the fence, it's almost summer. All the times I've persevered through will be relaxed. What will I do without rehearsals and meetings all the time, I do not know but I'll just have to wing it. I'll find something to enjoy all those summer nights with. Tonight's bonfire party went great, got to sing, not really play much, but I loved just about every minute out there (Well can you expect me to like the minutes of deadtime and bugs?) And we did sing cooler things than campfire songs, we had electric guitars and my 4 channel amp if that explains enough.

Well future is the future, only God knows what's gonna happen. I'm just going to trust that I'll end up where I should be and that SkillsUSA will throw another killer bonfire party!

Laugh, Love, Live Free and Sing

At youth group yesterday we had some good discussion and thoughts on destiny and dreams. Makes me think about that a little bit more than usual. It's just so mind warping about how the universe and destiny comes together. It is God that has instilled my dreams and all my hopes and desires in me. Yet sometimes, things don't go how I want them to go. Is it that my vision for myself is getting clouded? Is it that I'm losing sight of the prize? Or is it merely the fact that there's something better out there for me and my attempts to get what I think I want is just not it.

There's a way to pursue happiness I guess. I won't find it in the first boy I see, no matter how good looking. I won't find it in the best computer on earth, even if I can do everything on it. It's not in the best guitar ever, no matter how great the sound. It's in my life.

A wise saying I heard went "Love how you live, but live for your love" There's so many things in this world that I love, singing, graphics, guitars, and so much else. Those are good pacifiers, but there's more, Jesus. I just want to be so much more in love with him than everything else.

Looking up at the post title, it's from "Paper Thin Hymn" by Anberlin. It just really stuck out to me. He's in a situation where the one he loves is gone and he's saying that he's still going to live no matter the storms of his life. Beautiful song, he's all alone with only the violins in his head to keep him company, deep, meaningful, and so much better than the trash, drugs, and sex they keep trying to sell to us on more mainstream music.

This sounds too good to be true...

A day without going crazy studying? Really? Well AP exams are over so I'm basically done with school even though there are officially like 11 days left. That just means we're going to watch movies every day in just about all my classes. Easy enough. No assignments about the movies either. Class will be cake. Super excited for tomorrow because I get to see my amazing church family!

So now I'm wondering if I'm the only that can feel IQ points dropping due to AP exams and my senioritis level going way up after every test. So glad I'm done!

Attitude

I'm sitting here listening to "Attitude" by Fireflight. I'm so in love with those lyrics.

I hear the tone in your voice
You see that look in my eyes
I think you're missing the point
You think I've lost my mind

I don't care who started this

Drop the attitude
You don't have to win
It's not me against you
We can start again
Drop the attitude
We don't have to fight
We can make it through
Love can make it right

I think that we should just stop
I think that we need to rewind
Forgive and live like we forgot
We ever drew this line

I love you
I just do not understand
Why we do
What we do

Drop the attitude
You don't have to win
It's not me against you
We can start again
Drop the attitude
We don't have to fight
We can make it through
Love can make it right
Drop the attitude
Love can make it right
Make it right
Make it right

Such an awesome song. It's so true and there are so many people I would love to just sing this to. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one that wishes life could be like Glee. You know, with the whole being able to sing what you want to say to someone for a more driving effect? Confession: When I hear a song that relates to something I'd like to scream at someone, I sometimes visualize myself singing it to them. Not gonna be ashamed about that one cause it's just so true.

Unfortunately for me, my songwriting craze died down a bit this week, probably because I haven't stopped working or performing for a week. This week won't be much different but much more fun, maybe I'll go crazy writing again. Bingo and I are back to the norm and working with music tons so hopefully they'll be plenty of music soon.

I'm also currently guitarless... I got convinced that I should at least give Drop C tuning a chance so my guitar is being retuned and my acoustic is MIA because my sister messed with it. I'll probably spend the day retuning it just so I can play again. On the plus, I convinced a friend that the strings I use are absoultely amazing and he's planning on getting a set for his Epiphone.

Top Songs for the past week: In random order because I really can't pick

1. "If It Means A Lot To You" - A Day to Remember- Yep, it's still there

2. "Attitude"- Fireflight- well it's the base of this entry right?

3. "Gives You Hell"- Glee soundtrack- There are a couple guys I know that need this sung to them...

4. "A Place Where You Belong"- Bullet for my Valentine- this is all my friend Patrick's fault...

5. "Angels Fall Down"- Skillet- Just in love with it, that and my soft spot for sweet duets

Oh Boy...

Yeah, boys, boys, boys. Boys are rather dense and stupid for the most part this week. Lots of drama with lots of boys, but I'm not letting that bring me down. I finally got to play that new guitar of mine after getting the floyd rose fixed. However my dad's amp has no distortion at all so I'll have to go buy a pedal or new amp or something.

I got bored in math and sorta wrote a pile of lyrics that fit together and is almost a song. It needs some tweaking and then at the end I wrote this poemish blurb thingy that I thought was kinda nice but doesn't really fit into a song:

It’s about not taking the chance when it’s there. About losing love that one never had. It’s seeing the one you want always thinking about another girl, but never letting your tears fall. It’s wanting that second chance, and believing that someday you’ll get it and everything will be ok in the end.

Under a fake façade, there’s hurt somewhere deep down there.
One that is strong believes that one cannot cry, yet tears are something the strongest accept.

I got it from looking back at those lyrics. I was thinking "Well what exactly is this song about? It changes direction so many times." Well that basically sums up that pile of lyrics. Of course I bet I can pull and tweak at least 2 songs out of it because of the broadness.

When I look back at what I wrote, I'm sitting here thinking "Wow, that's so true!" Taking chances are what makes life interesting. Who wants to stick to the status quo and live never knowing "what if?" What if no one ever dared? What's the point of dreaming if we never actually get up and chase those dreams? I've seen so many people in today's culture just trying to do what the media and others tell them to do, and never thinking for themselves. Those people dream, but are afraid to dream big, afraid of disappointing themselves. Well I can say one will always get disappointed at some point, not everything can be peace, love, and butterflies, but what if they can? What if you chased after your biggest dreams and they come true? How can you live never knowing because you never tried? Don't let someone's words of how they think you can never reach those dreams bring you down. They're not the ones in control. HE is and HE loves you and has plans for you and it is HE that put those dreams inside you and will guide you to reach them.

Music Music Music!

Well this week has been majorly musical for me if you couldn't tell by the post title. Let's see... Sunday was spent with a friend who fixed my floyd rose, retuned my guitar, and we went to buy new whammy bars. Then we played guitar for a few more hours. Then right after was a not-so-dress rehearsal for the chorus concert. OMG the school we did the joint concert with is AMAZING! Of course our director put them in the room with our giant trophies during breaks haha.

Tuesday was the concert which was perfect until the last two songs. I'm usually on the very end of the 1st soprano section but the girl in front of me stopped at the wrong place so I had to keep walking on the next row. Well that pretty much put me between 2nd sopranos and basses with no one near me that sang my part. What did I do? I sang of course! Held down my part better in the hard song than the easy one for some reason but hey it worked. Scariest moment of my life though.

And now it's Wednesday. A friend of mine brought his guitar to school so that was fun. I got to thinking about my favorite song because I realized how much I say "I love that song! It's one of my favorites!" And I'm never lying either. I have so many favorites and the top favorites change constantly. So I figure I'll share my top 10 of the week in countdown form: This is mostly based on what's always stuck in my head.

10. "Looking Up"- Paramore- Top 10 really isn't bad, heck this one moves up and down the rankings a lot. It's fun to sing and just really upbeat and I can relate to it so much.

9. "Single Ladies" Beyonce - Normally I'm not too crazy about most music like that, but I love this song for two reason. 1. It was on Glee and amazing. 2. It's my 2010 prom song. I went single and danced the most to this one.

8. "Beautiful Disaster"- Jon McLaughin- I heard this one a long time ago but recently started playing it on my guitar. It's just always in my head.

7. "Things Can Never Die" - Charles Dickens/Chorus- Yep a chorus song! If I had to pick one from last night I loved learning the most, it was this one. It's just so pretty!

6. "Paperthin Hymn"- Anberlin- This one I've loved for a while. I can't even remember where I heard it, I just love it. Rhythmically difficult to sing but still amazing!

5. "Swing Life Away"- I first heard this song at the SkillsUSA Christmas tree walk. Patrick had my guitar and was playing it and I pretty much fell in love with the song. I went home and bought it on iTunes and put it on repeat for a few hours. Gotta learn that soon!

4. "Taking Chances" Glee or Celine Dion- Ok, it's the Glee version I'm most in love with but it's so much fun to sing! I've been using it as a warmup song!

3. "I Love You"- Martina McBride- I bet that one was a surprise. Well I came across this one when I bought the sheet music book (It was on sale for like $2 while my mom was out antique shopping, I couldn't resist!) for "Runaway Bride" so I started singing it, and it's just fun.

2. "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)"- Greenday- Another one that kinda grew on me. I'm learning this one too but it's another sweet short song about living for the moment. Love it!

1. "If It Means A Lot to You" A Day to Remember- My friend Patch was over and he played it and I feel in love with it both lyrically and stylistically. The messages sweet, simple, and different. It was about a guy that has to leave but says "If everyone sings "la, la la la, la la la" that he can come back" In the end the girl gets everyone to sing that simple phrase. Also I love the voices. I can't stop listening this over and over again. Learning it on my guitar currently.

The Lost Get Found

Another line of another great song. Well this is kinda late but Wednesday's service was just amazing! God was there and he was touching lives. I was honored to be able to pray with some of my peers and we all broke down into tears. If any hurting teen is reading this. God is there for you. He has a purpose for your life. No matter what anyone on Earth tells you, you are beautiful and wanted and loved by the Almighty.

This year I wasn't as excited for prom as last year, probably because I have no date this year and I'm crazy busy. My dress is one that's been in my closet for two years that has never been worn. Considering the theme is "Happily Ever After" the black dress is going to stand out a ton, even more fun for me (and that wasn't sarcastic). Then I'll be hanging with my girls after. I'm not the type to go get drunk and sleep around, I have more self respect than that. And tomorrow morning my guitar will be ready for me. A friend of mine is touching up my floyd rose and lowering the strings.

I'm listening to one of my favorite songs "Dismantle. Repair." by Anberlin, the chorus goes "and oh oh oh things are gonna change now for the better. oh oh oh things are gonna change." well that's true. When you're in what you think is the darkest valley, dismantled to nothing, things will look up and you'll be repaired.

I've also learned a lesson from losing my voice a second time. I got sick again last week. I lost my voice. At this point, losing my voice again (because I never fully recovered from when I got extremely sick a last summer) could mean the end of singing for me. Well I kept testing my voice through those scary four days that I didn't have it. Through testing it every few hours, drinking lots of tea, and praying like crazy, I mostly have it back. The first day I got it back, it was still rusty but somehow I managed to sing from a low E to a high C, three octaves on a bad day, not too bad in my opinion. My voice is mostly recovered now, I just need to hope it continues to come back.

Oh Happy Day!

Right now I am saying that my parents are awesome! Yesterday my daddy took me to Durham to buy my guitar!

This is my beautiful Jackson DK2M, maple neck, Seymour Duncan, and Floyd Rose! Then I spent the rest of the day figuring it out. Let the songwriting begin! Well that will happen when I get my full voice back. I'm able to sing again but no hitting high As or anything at the moment.

I do have another song though.

a few months back I was looking through old scrapbooks and found these old pictures of me and my best friend in elementary school. I don't think he remembers me, but I remember him so clearly. Maybe one day I'll see him again even though it's been 10 years... this one's a little rough but I'm working on it.

You don't have to remember me
I forgot you too
I found and old photograph
From when it was just me and you
We weren't the most popular
But we had each other
I haven't seen you ince
Or know where you are
Maybe with a miracle
I'll find you again

Maybe there will come a day
Maybe I'll see you again
Across the country
Over the seas
You're somewhere in this world
Burned in my memory
Never forgotten

There's a day we were six
Dreaming of when we'd be older
Said we'd always be together
We weren't lying
We honestly forgot
and I'm sorry I did
Maybe one day
There'll be another chance
Cause we were best friends

It was your 7th birthday
At our favorite place
We rode the rides
and played all day
A memory to be
Never forgotten

Almost 17 now
I'm writing our song
Sitting here wondering how you are
Are you still chasing those dreams
Have you ever thought of me?
I've changed so much
You'd never believe it
But I'm sure you have too

Yep, that was really rough, but someday it's gonna be a prettier song. The melody is really rough too... It's still being worked on a lot, just gotta play with it long enough.

Unbreakable- April 12th

Well that's how I feel right now. Upbeat and ready to take on the world. Benefest went pretty good considering all the bands basically dropped out at the very last minute. Brooke played and then it was random jam band for the rest of the show. Does it make sense to have 9 guitars, a bass, a mandolin, 5 harmonicas, a talkbox, and 5 amps but only 3 musicians on stage at a time? Apparently so.

In a few hours will be the start of insanity/production week. I've already stocked up on black clothes and energy drinks. Homework is gonna be crazy, but maybe we won't have a SkillsUSA exec board meeting this week. Hell week is super fun and super stressful at the same time. The entire cast and crew become a family as we work and stress together and the show at the end is always amazing.

In other news, my chorus won grand champion at Baltimore! I wish I could've been there, but I had to stay back for Benefest. We did raise $622 at Benefest, more than the club has ever raised before. However, this is all for charity and none goes to the club funds. Either way, the fact that I know I can raise that much money in one day with only one month of planning gives me a good outlook for future fundraising attempts, especially considering this event was in no way shape or form how I had planned it to be. The recruitment campaign will be starting soon, so hopefully things will be looking up even more.

Lately something that's interested me is quantum theory. Basically it's this big theory about how thoughts become things because of the law of attraction. It's actually Biblical because somewhere in the New Testement Paul said something about believing you will have something. Seems like a huge act of faith to me, maybe I'll finally get that guitar I have my eye on :D. I did find a guitar I really like, and I'm trying to convince my dad to take me to Durham to seriously check it out. The only downside is that it's almost exactly the same as my friend Patrick's guitar, just a different color. It's a really pretty black guitar, think of how pretty hot pink strings will look on it!

He is Risen!

He died for me and rose again about 2000 years ago. Today in church we learned that the correct response to "He is Risen" is "He is Risen indeed!" Just thinking about the pain someone had to go through for someone else just blows my mind. It makes sense to me because who would die such a horrible death for a lie? His skin was ripped off, he was tormented, given multiple chances to get out, and fulfilled every prophecy of the ancient texts.

I didn't really have any Easter plans, but since spring break is coming to and end (I go back to school a day early for theatre) I've tried to reconnect with reality. Let's see, I've got a paper due on Wednesday and another APUSH packet with tons of words to look up due on Friday. Yep, lots of homework. Not to mention I'm bringing my guitar to school on Tuesday so my friend can show me a few things.

It's also the week of Benefest and my nerves are eating me alive. Pray for good weather, it's looking beautiful now but NC weather is so bipolar. Raffle stuff is mostly in, concessions are almost all verified, a couple more donation baskets need to be bought/made. Note the "almost" and the "mostly" and the "couple more" That means it's not done, it's nearly done. Thus the nervousness of the event director. It's funny how people are like "You're 16, and you're trying to direct and coordinate an entire benefit event?" They laugh now but they'll see on Saturday.

Things are looking up oh finally

Well today's another slower day for me. Dyed my hair to a more intense red because I was bored and I just need a change. Even a little change. Ever feel like you just need a change? Like when you just have to start a new notebook to write your songs in or you just have to cut 6 inches of hair off? Yeah, I've done both. Today wasn't one of those days but I just had to dye my hair. I kinda wish it was though. I kinda like the feeling of a fresh start and everything that I get with those changes. Cutting off my hair was a completely new look, not really a new me, but a different me on the outside.

As for my laptop, I got it fixed and the case was pretty messed up when my dad picked it up for me yesterday. I didn't see it till I got home from work but it wasn't good at all. Good news is, today I went back to the repair place and they're replacing the parts for free. Still consider selling this Macbook and buying a Pro but I'll have to see how much money I make in the near future.

Since I didn't have a laptop for the past day and a half, and all my music was on my laptop, and all my homework was on my laptop, I had to have music somehow, so of course to me the only logical thing to do was play guitar. I used my sister's computer while she was at school to pull up chords and tabs and learned "Fifteen" by Taylor Swift and parts of a couple other songs. I tried to learn "Rooftops" by the Lostprophets but that song's in a drop C. The thought of retuning my guitar like that was too intimidating. Maybe when I get an electric I won't be so intimidated...

Even though the title of this post is a song I love, I have yet to try to play it... maybe I'll do that later today...

Well it's only about 2, so maybe my day will get better. It is Good Friday afterall. Today, about 200 centuries ago, my savior gave his life for me. That is something I'll forever be thankful for.

The Shadow Proves The Sunshine

Yeah, one of my new favorite songs by Switchfoot. It's totally correct because if you see a shadow, you're sure that there's sunshine somewhere, at least a tiny little ray of it through the clouds. Good thought to ponder considering how many things went wrong today. Let's see today I've had this sick to my stomach feeling about Benefest, the chairty event I'm directing. I know I started that project really really late and I'm really pushing it with due dates but it's looking up. It's no where near how amazing my original plan was, but next year it's going to be better.

So then, I did something completely stupid. I forgot I had a disk in my laptop's disk drive and then forgot it was a laptop drive. I put in a half size disk and now the whole thing is jammed. Of course on the day my dad goes and rents a movie. Tomorrow I'll be taking it into the shop to be fixed. The thing about automatic computers is that my Macbook is constantly trying to spit out those disks, not good. Hopefully I'll make some money at work this week to pay off possible replacement of a wreaked disk drive fees.

I'm running on faith with Benefest right now, I have a ton of stuff that needs to be done and I'm super nervous it won't get done. Of course I trust my team, at least to a point. They say they're getting things taken care of, but I just can't help but worrying. Being sick the past few days has really slowed me down and I feel like a complete slacker for it. It's for the good of others, I'm sure I can give up a little sleep for them right? Well actually it's spring break so I'm getting plenty of sleep at the moment but normally...

I just don't want to intimidate the exec board. Sure I worry like crazy, dream up plans and ideas all day, and all that good stuff, but I don't need them feeling they should do the same. I just want a good reliable team that's ready to do things and pull their weight. Right now I'm actually feeling like a slacker because my team is doing so much when I've got so much downtime. Maybe I should add another extra circular... SkillsUSA, Robotics, FCA, Show Choir, Tech Theatre, Theatre club, Science Olympiad, Choral Council, work, church, why do I still have free time? Hmmm... how about just working harder on what I already do? That's a pretty new one...

I just know something good will come out of this. I'm under a shadow but that means there's some sunshine somewhere and it's shining down on me. Soon the clouds will clear away and there'll be a lot more. I just gotta keep myself patient enough to see it, or look harder.

Well being new to the blogging world, I don’t quite know what to write right now… I guess I’ll start with why I’ve taken up blogging. Well there are several reasonish things.

1. It’s spring break. I’m at home sick. All my friends have gone to the beach at this point. Therefore I have nothing to do.

2. How I got this idea? Well some of my friends had started blogging. Being a writer myself I figured I’d give it at try, maybe it would kill my every haunting writers block.

3. I love speaking out. We do speeches in English and I love them. I love writing them and then winging it on the actual presentation. How does this relate? Well those speeches are boring reports, they’re Op-Ed speeches or Epiphany speeches. That means I write and write about topics I like. Those topics are usually about how being a teenager isn’t how the movies make it out to be or being an individual and not a slave to society’s rules. So that class will be coming to an end in about 9 weeks, I kinda wanna keep a steady way of speaking out. I was once told I was an inspiration to one of the underclassmen. If I can impact just one more life, I’ll be happy.

4. I really do love pouring my guts out on paper, but my handwriting isn’t very legible and sometimes I can write some pretty deep sounding stuff. Sure I’m no philosopher and I don’t make sense half the time, but hey, if it makes sense to me, there’s that tiny little chance it makes sense to someone else out in there in this world.

So that takes care of why this blog exists, and I guess a little bit about it’s purpose. To be honest, I don’t quite know the purpose of this. I’m just a young, dumb, 16 year old winging it again. I guess I can say it’s to speak out on individuality and maybe provide some encouragement to hurting teens out there, but I might never know. No one ever knows until they try right? For me, this is another adventure, something to kill time that maybe someone out there might benefit from. How many readers I have doesn’t really matter. How much hate mail I get won’t kill me. I’m just gonna be myself and wing it, and hope something good results from this someday.

Now you're probably wonder: "Who the heck is this crazy chick that's writing this?"

Well the answer to that is pretty simple. I'm a another teenager with too much time on my hands. However, I'm not the typical teenager. I fight trends, but not like some wannabe attention begger. I am simply me. I'm who God created me to be and I'm not afraid to live that out loud. I love to have fun, but I won't compromise my morals for it. I love music, writing, playing guitar, singing, graphics, filming, and a ton of other things. I don't quite fit into any groups, but I don't mind. I don't have a specific style either. One day I could be in guitar shirts and skinny jeans, the next in a pretty pink babydoll top. The bottom line: I am me and nothing is going to change that. God made me who I am and I'm going to accept it.