"I'm so sick...

...infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness"
 Lately, life has been super dramatic, in both good and bad. One of my best friends has recently turned against me, and there are some sweet guys out there that like me.
It wouldn't be fair to them if they were going out with me. They use words like "beautiful" and "amazing" to describe me. Just reading that on a text message makes me want to cry. I'm not that beautiful and amazing. I don't need a guy to tell me I'm beautiful a million times a day, because I know I'll never be as beautiful as they see me, at least not anymore. Maybe once upon a time I could've been, but that girl is buried too deep inside me now. I'd rather have a guy tell me he loves me for my imperfection than how "amazing" I am.
I'd be a sucky girlfriend anyways. I'm always so busy with all my clubs and jobs and stuff. I'd be torture to keep track of, not to mention the guys that just don't give up. I'm crazy and psychotic and selfish and just not the kind of person worth loving right now. I'm working on changing, I oh so badly want to change all that. One day, I want to be that girl that everyone thinks I am. I want the pain and lonely sadness out of my life. It's so hard to fight, but so possible. It's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can see it, just not the path there.
I just know that with Jesus, I'll get to where I want to be, I'm just not there yet. There's no telling how long it's going to take to be where I want to be as a person. I just know that God has a plan and purpose for me, even during days like this when I feel so down that I shouldn't deserve a plan and purpose at all.