Love Letters

So I'm on a roll when it comes to my NaNoWriMo right now and all right? The story is moving faster than it's slower than a snail pace and it's looking better. Until today when the urge to drop everything and write songs just hit me. There's nothing I want more right now than to write songs! However I won't because the second I start writing songs, I'll probably never go back to my beloved novel, which is only 3000 words short of the finish line right now. 3000 words can be a days work for me if I didn't get distracted so easily!

So out of boredom today I started to listen to the new Taylor Swift album, then I went to find out where the stories behind those songs came from, just because I'm nerd like that. I learned it was about all those times she wished she said things but never did. That reminded me of my own life, all those moments that I should've said something but never did. Those girls I should've told were beautiful, those times I should've been nicer, those boys that I just let go. I thought of careless mistakes that led to my life being harder, those stupid things that break the trusts of others, those hurting people I could've smiled at instead of letting my own issues control me, and all those times I let my feelings get ahead of my brain.

I'd be lying if I said I had ever had my heartbroken of if I said that I don't have a  boyfriend because I've been hurt. But I've let so many good guys just go for what seems like stupid reasons now. It's my senior year, and I've hit everything on my bucket list except high school sweetheart. I've had chances that I let pass by and so many things have passed through my mind that I should've said. That makes me want to write a song about it, which again brings me back to my original problem. I've made the mistake of not letting anyone in, but then when I realize it, let in someone who doesn't want to be let in.

Then there are the guys that just can't see me for me. They either see me as beautiful and amazing, which I know I'm not. They just don't see how broken and messed up I truly am on the inside, and it kills me that I can't make myself tell them flat out that I'm not that girl they're looking for. Just the thought of their hearts being broken by me is horrible. It's not that I don't like them, it's that I'm messed up and they'll only see me through rose tinted glasses. I just wish they would see me as I am, and then once they do, I'll see if they truly do love me. As for now, I'll just keep dreaming. My personality is a bit too complex and changes a ton to the point I confuse myself for any guy to love me for all that I am.