Love Letters

So I'm on a roll when it comes to my NaNoWriMo right now and all right? The story is moving faster than it's slower than a snail pace and it's looking better. Until today when the urge to drop everything and write songs just hit me. There's nothing I want more right now than to write songs! However I won't because the second I start writing songs, I'll probably never go back to my beloved novel, which is only 3000 words short of the finish line right now. 3000 words can be a days work for me if I didn't get distracted so easily!

So out of boredom today I started to listen to the new Taylor Swift album, then I went to find out where the stories behind those songs came from, just because I'm nerd like that. I learned it was about all those times she wished she said things but never did. That reminded me of my own life, all those moments that I should've said something but never did. Those girls I should've told were beautiful, those times I should've been nicer, those boys that I just let go. I thought of careless mistakes that led to my life being harder, those stupid things that break the trusts of others, those hurting people I could've smiled at instead of letting my own issues control me, and all those times I let my feelings get ahead of my brain.

I'd be lying if I said I had ever had my heartbroken of if I said that I don't have a  boyfriend because I've been hurt. But I've let so many good guys just go for what seems like stupid reasons now. It's my senior year, and I've hit everything on my bucket list except high school sweetheart. I've had chances that I let pass by and so many things have passed through my mind that I should've said. That makes me want to write a song about it, which again brings me back to my original problem. I've made the mistake of not letting anyone in, but then when I realize it, let in someone who doesn't want to be let in.

Then there are the guys that just can't see me for me. They either see me as beautiful and amazing, which I know I'm not. They just don't see how broken and messed up I truly am on the inside, and it kills me that I can't make myself tell them flat out that I'm not that girl they're looking for. Just the thought of their hearts being broken by me is horrible. It's not that I don't like them, it's that I'm messed up and they'll only see me through rose tinted glasses. I just wish they would see me as I am, and then once they do, I'll see if they truly do love me. As for now, I'll just keep dreaming. My personality is a bit too complex and changes a ton to the point I confuse myself for any guy to love me for all that I am.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The holidays are here and even though it's break, I feel like I'm getting even busier! Being at school/rehearsal for 16 hours a day with no internet really kills how often I get to post, but those crazy three weeks are over! I do miss them a ton though, now I just don't know what to do with my time when I get home.
When it comes to writing lately, I'm so close to the finish line, but my story isn't done. My story is moving way too slow, which is killing my average word count lately. It's like when I have all this free time, I get distracted so easily. There are my two guitars, both of them now sitting in the corner in front of me. Well technically only one is tempting because I haven't moved the amp upstairs yet, nor do I plan to anytime soon seeing it's HUGE.
The holidays for me are a time of relaxing stress, lots of craziness, too much food, and not enough working out. I've been trying to make plans to go to a yoga session for a while, but that's not really happening anytime soon. At least I got to go to the spa last night.
RIght now my current writing dilemma  is that my characters aren't staying true to the original plan. There's no contradiction or anything, but originally Roxanne was supposed to be the down to earth one and Lyra was supposed to be going wild. Turns out that right now Roxanne is out clubbing with a new boyfriend and Lyra is at home obediently going to rehearsals. However, Lyra should be the wild one because she still needs to die a certain way for the right ending to happen. Looks like there will be lots and lots of editing going on in the coming months.

Discipline

I've got a lot to learn about discipline. I always procrastinate in the morning and I've been lagging in my writing a lot lately. It's been a day with next to nothing than almost making up for it the next day. These flatliner days aren't good at all. 

I've got to learn to be able to sit there and write for hours on end to make my daily quota, and that's one of the reasons why NaNoWriMo is becoming so healthy for me. 

Another way I'm working on discipline myself is today I sat at home and unchecked every bad band off my iPhone sync list, just to see how long I can survive with just Jesus music. My goal is to break my dependency on reacting emotionally to music but blocking out all the negative until the end of the month on my phone. I sure can't control the music in the places I go, but I can at least take this tiny step. 

Maybe I can get myself back to reading my Bible for longer the morning instead of rushing off each and every day.