Innocence

The music has returned! After a month or so of writer's block, I woke up at the crazy hour of 7a.m. DURING SUMMER! That must be pretty big considering I go to bed at around 4 a.m. Well it was perfect, or so I thought. I then picked up my guitar and it came out completely different but even more perfect! 

Where the lyrics came from, I'm not so sure. I've written similar things before, but never really liked it before. 

It's not completely finished on account that it changes just a little bit every time I play it but here's the draft

I'm looking back at memories

Of happy times and the times I've cried

Loves I've lost and chances missed out

Thinking of the million times I've smiled

Oh how I've smiled

Chorus:

I can't help but to grow older

And see the world a different way

Every year feels colder

Don't you know things can't stay the same forever

It's like trying to fight the world

And losing a piece of me

So I'm writing this song

To remember who I could be

When I was young I, 

Saw the sun in everything

Now I can't imagine

How rose tinted lenses must've been

A dozen roses on my doorstep

Used to be the sweetest thing

But now it's just another bitter memory

Chorus and bridge I feel is not close enough to done to share.

Basically it's about childhood innocence being lost. I've seen that happen so many times. I used to be pretty sheltered. Then I entered sophomore year. I grew a lot physically in sophomore year, like at least 3 inches, but true growth came in junior year. I used to be so young and nieve it scares me. I saw the best of the world and now I'm blind ambition and very competition driven. I used to be shy and nice and quiet, like the girl from the song "Girl in 14G" 

The second part of the song (bridge and outro) is more about remembering. Part of it that I plan on keeping is: "Do hold on to this now, though it's just a memory, you can see all I've tried, but never could succeed, just hold this to your heart so you can remember me." 

It reminds me of The Last Lecture. 

Latest songs in my head

1. "Jump and Fall"- Taylor Swift- Learned it on my guitar, no idea why I love it so much

2. "Dancing Queen"- ABBA/Mama Mia

3. "For Those Who Wait"- Fireflight- You didn't think I'd have a list without a good rockin' song right? 

4. "Girl Can Rock"- Hilary Duff- No, I am not kidding

5. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" - Glee

Parties and Fun

Yeah, it's been a while since I wrote. Lately I've been working on my not-so-short story and I spent last night with a belated birthday party.
Funniest moment of the night: Paul walking through my screen door. The door came off and we all laughed at him... I believe he was going after the "Crack rolls" (fried spring rolls)
Fun moments-
- Playing spoons! I dived across a table at one round and the next round both my friend Will and I dived across the table and I slapped him in the face to get a spoon.
-Manhunt- Me being the one person in a white dress trips and slides down the lawn on my side and there's not a speck of dirt on the dress.
-GUITAR, at the end me and Patch sat on my porch and just played guitar and chatted for like an hour or so. And towards the beginning, Paul loved my Jackson, but hated the tuning.
Good clean safe fun, no drugs or alcohol needed!
Now another day of boredom since everyone's out of town now.

Songs today:
1. "If It Means A Lot To You"- A Day To Remember- Just because I played and sang it yesterday and I love it so much.
2. "4 A.M. Forever"- Lost Prophets- Listened to that one while getting ready
3. "California"- Hawk Nelson- Sang that at work every day over and over and over again
4. "Single Ladies" - Beyonce- Just because last night Will synced his iphone to my macbok which was hooked up to Patrick's amp and interrupted Patrick's playing by blasting this song.
5. "Lucy"- Skillet- Amazing song, so sad but so sweet. About life, love, and loss. <3

Fame?

Today I rented the movie Fame. However, the rented disk was damaged at the ending according to my laptop so I haven't seen the ending yet... either way, it was great. I already knew the entertainment business can be rough and dark and everything and what was in that movie was hardly anything, but I still feel teenagers should see that. Sure it's great to believe in dreams and stuff, but it's so hard to achieve them. Working hard and blind ambition and doing what it takes.
What if what it takes isn't what you want to do? What if you were like Jenny and a job meant hooking up with Andy? Would you do it? Would that possibility of fame lead to a compromise like that? Well for Jenny, she still had Marco, even if it was still a tough decision. What if you're like me? Young, ambitious, loving to win, and pretty much a loner? Not saying that I would jump at that chance like any other tramp, but life ain't Hollywood.
Life's gonna be corrupt and dreams will get crushed. It's pretty much to be expected and can't really be prevented. You can't really escape life, just live it. It's about what you do with what you have I guess. If you've got talent, use it and be proud of it. My parents always wanted me to be a great pianist or ballet dancer. At one point I loved it, but at the same time I hated it. When I was 7 I did ballet a lot. I hated it so much but now I regret not staying with it. If only my parents had forced me to keep dancing or keep playing violin or made me start singing earlier in life. I could be great, I had potential and I just didn't grab it when I had the chance.
I'm 17, I've got to work with what I've got. What talent is that? I've switched around and dabbled in everything, but I haven't really found passion yet. I've found things I love, but I don't know if there's anything there that I'm completely in love with. Sure, music and singing and playing guitar are practically my life. I love doing those things as much as I love life, but I don't have the natural talent of the greats. It doesn't just click with me like everyone makes talent out to be like. I thought it clicked at some point. I worked hard and practiced all the time and strived to be the best, but I'm still not the best. I didn't find passion at a young age like who society considers to be the best. So badly do I want to be at the top, I've made the top in lots of things, but are those things my passion?
Skillsusa, tech, filming, more things I love so much. I'm told I've got talent in film, lots of it. But I feel so new to the filming world. I've dabbled but until very recently, I haven't taken it super seriously. Now it's what I want to do with my life. I want to be in film production and management and I might have a passion for it, but it just feels like I'm so new to it. Like I haven't had enough experience or I started way too late. Maybe I've found passion, maybe I haven't. Either way, what have I got to lose?

Top 5 songs right now:
1. "Desperate"- Fireflight- Yep a metal song with a girl. So in love with it.
2. "Out Tonight"- I did just turn 17 and had I night out, listened to this over and over again as I got ready last night.
3. "100 Years"- Five for Fighting- Last day of chorus we sang all our old music from the past 3 years, this was one of them and I've fallen in love with it.
4."Over My Head(Cable Car)" The Fray and covered by A Day to Remember. Can't decide which version I like more. The original version was gorgeous piano rock, but the pounding guitars in the cover are so much fun. I've learned the original version on my acoustic, now to pick up my Jackson for the Drop C cover of it.
5. "Invisible" - Taylor Swift- Just sounds like the kind of thing I should be singing at the moment, well kinda, pretty loosely, but in a way lyrically my life.

Pride

Well it's been a while since I posted... Show season is finally over, probably one of the longest show seasons of my life, but also one of the best I've had! It's also my last day of school, well as a junior anyways, senior year baby! Not really worried about this test either so it's all good.

Today I flipped open to a Bible verse about pride... not the funnest topic for me... I know I probably should focus on it a bit more though. I am well aware that I can be a very self centered and prideful person. Heck, I usually am. I know what I'm good at and I flaunt it. I get cocky easily and blow things off. Major thing I should work on. Not saying that pride is a bad thing, if you've got talent, go for it and use it. You gotta show the world what you've got, but there's a line that shouldn't be crossed. The line of arrogance. Sometimes it does get to my head, knowing I'm good at a lot of what I do and then letting it take over and ending with people hating me. Trust me, I've got plenty of enemies. I really feel like I should start something new with the skills and talents I have, but do it in humility.

My friend Paul gave me some really good scripture a few days ago, in 1st Timothy, Paul called himself the worst of sinners, but he was also the greatest of missionaries. No matter how many times you've failed or how bad you think you are, you're always talented and good at something and you can always work for the glory of the Lord.

As for self centeredness- I'm working on it. I don't throw prima donna fits but I do love to take charge due to my talent. I love the feeling of being top dog. Now I've just got to learn to do so with humility and grace and not with my iron fist and whip. Gotta pray about it.