"I'm so sick...

...infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness"
 Lately, life has been super dramatic, in both good and bad. One of my best friends has recently turned against me, and there are some sweet guys out there that like me.
It wouldn't be fair to them if they were going out with me. They use words like "beautiful" and "amazing" to describe me. Just reading that on a text message makes me want to cry. I'm not that beautiful and amazing. I don't need a guy to tell me I'm beautiful a million times a day, because I know I'll never be as beautiful as they see me, at least not anymore. Maybe once upon a time I could've been, but that girl is buried too deep inside me now. I'd rather have a guy tell me he loves me for my imperfection than how "amazing" I am.
I'd be a sucky girlfriend anyways. I'm always so busy with all my clubs and jobs and stuff. I'd be torture to keep track of, not to mention the guys that just don't give up. I'm crazy and psychotic and selfish and just not the kind of person worth loving right now. I'm working on changing, I oh so badly want to change all that. One day, I want to be that girl that everyone thinks I am. I want the pain and lonely sadness out of my life. It's so hard to fight, but so possible. It's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can see it, just not the path there.
I just know that with Jesus, I'll get to where I want to be, I'm just not there yet. There's no telling how long it's going to take to be where I want to be as a person. I just know that God has a plan and purpose for me, even during days like this when I feel so down that I shouldn't deserve a plan and purpose at all.

To Be Called Beautiful

It's been a long time since I've posted yet again. Lately I've been struggling to write. I want to write so badly, but I just can't. I can't get a clear thought, a clear focus, or anything at all. I can't write stories, songs, or even a regular blog post! Maybe it's the stress, maybe it's just life.
Right now on my mind is beauty. I feel like the prettier I'm getting on the outside, the worse I feel about myself.
I was a quiet kid with very few friends as I grew up. I'm still a bit socially awkward on the making friends level even if I'm a good spokesmodel. I used to be so level headed and smart and I knew what I was doing. Now I still jump for opportunities to do something, but it doesn't feel the same. I'm not as smart or talented as some of my friends and I wasted so much time switching what I want to pursue in life.
There's so much raw emotion swimming in my head that can turn into beautiful music, but there's so much I can't figure out where to start. I feel lost, desperate, and just sick of myself.
It's like having this perfect image, having what everyone wants. I've got good positions in so many clubs. I'm seen as amazing by my advisors and teachers. People consider me to be that person that's always happy and smiley and makes people feel so good about themselves. Boys think I'm beautiful and wonderful and a perfect little angel. But all that doesn't even matter when I know I'm not that perfect person. I'm not perfect, I never will be. I'm just forgiven. I come across as outgoing and friendly and I do love people, but I'm actually shy and I don't mind keeping to myself. I'm not dumb, but I'm not a genius either. I can't say I outright hate myself, but I can't say I'm that crazy about me either. I guess I'm just contentish.
During my underclassmen years, I was so unhappy with myself, I took rather drastic measures. I really hated who I was a majority of the time. Crude comments were thrown at me left and right and I had to live with the verbal abuse of my peers for years.  I wanted change, and I made it happen. If I changed so much, why aren't I happy yet? I loved myself for a while, now I can't stand what I've become. I only get a dark shadow of my younger years, but I've created a monster of myself.
I'm not at the top of my game, but I'm getting better. Someday I'll be happier. I'll be who I want to be with time. I'm just too old go to finding myself now...

A day in the life of Bev Tan...

Here's a list of funny recent quotes:

Tommy: Did you really do the announcements today?"
Me: Yeah...
Tommy: You sounded really white...
Me: IT'S NOT MY FAULT I FAIL AS AN ASIAN!

Aric: You sound like a stoner today!
Me: I'm not a stoner! I'm a ROCKer!
Aric: Get off the drugs
Note: I am not on anything more than painkillers, caffeine, and sometimes sedatives...

Me: My goal as a writer is to make my readers cry, if no one cries, I consider it a failure.
Karla: Your writing makes me wanna cry! You're such a sadist!
Me: I'm not a sadist, I'm at tragedy writer! I swear there's a difference!

Me: Sushi time!
Andrew: FISH MURDERER! Eat more chickin!
Me: POULTRY KILLER!

Caroline: Didn't getting a job teach you the value of a dollar?
Me: Yeah! I learned that a dollar isn't worth as much as I thought it was!

Me: Today my dad and my sister dragged me to dollar general... I saw some socks... they were fuzzy so I was like "I want some socks..." so now I have a a pair of purple striped SUPER FUZZY SOCKS!
Aric: super cool

Me: Duh I got it, I'm not that bland!
Will: You spelled "Blonde" wrong you blonde!
Me: No I actually meant to say bland... as in boring...

Me: Yeah, my webcam freaks me out too, especially since I know people that have gone through other files on my computer before... *cough* Will *cough It makes me wonder if I'm being watched... like the Truman show!
Alexis: Andrew, you're brother is a creeper! But he needs to teach me how to hack!
Andrew: Huh?

And now... time for some sleep... I didn't take a nap today... or yesterday...